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Swimming
in a Sea of Choices The vast difference between American individualism and the family or group orientation of other cultures is well known. What is so fascinating about this cross-cultural chasm is how these two very different points of reference manifest themselves in so many different ways, and impact our lives so profoundly. Many times, we may not even recognize that a puzzling situation has anything to do with one's hidden cultural orientation regarding individualism or collectivism. Until arriving in the U.S. at the tender age of 24, I had never been witness to the cult of individualism. After fourteen years of living in the U.S., its virtues and mysteries still intrigue me. Upon arriving in the U.S., one thing I noticed right away was the incredible number of choices I was required to make on a routine basis. (This may be one of the reasons why Americans are so stressed out - they are forced to make a multitude of choices all day long!) Many times it is difficult to keep coming up with personal choices to display one's individualism, especially when choosing one thing over another does not really make any difference. For instance, my son keeps asking me what my favorite color is. No one ever asked me this question in Pakistan or in Saudi Arabia and I really don't have an answer. I never even thought about my favorite color before he asked. Ordering food in an American restaurant can be an ordeal. How do you like your steak? How do you like your eggs? What kind of bread do you like? What kind of tea bag do you like? The killer is the salad dressing. There are so many choices - just hearing all of them makes me dizzy. Over the years, I have developed some coping mechanisms to escape the bombardment of such questions. I have memorized a set of answers. No matter what happens, I repeat those answers. Guess what? Most of the time, it works. I love to go to Pakistani and Indian fast food restaurants in Houston. All I have to say is, "I need tea." No matter who makes the request, everyone gets the same tea. It is brewed. It is hot. It comes with the sugar and whole milk (not that 1/2 percent business) already mixed in! I would rather shoot myself than ask for tea in an American restaurant. I am never sure if I will get tea, or a tall glass of light brown water full of ice cubes, an enormous spoon and the question, "Would you like lemon with that?" If fortune smiles on me, I could get 'hot tea.' First I have to choose what kind of tea bag I prefer, which I will then attempt to seep in a cup of warm water. If I am really having a lucky day, I may get some cold milk (which is really an insult to the tea - the milk is supposed to be hot!) instead of getting that dry, white, tasteless powder. Oh, I forgot about the sugar. There I will have to specify my choice between regular or Sweet-N-Low (the blue or the pink bag). Of course, I mix all these ingredients myself because the server can't be expected to read my mind, and lacks the important knowledge of my distinct personal tastes. After one of my cultural awareness programs in Amarillo, a woman mentioned that while she was in Japan, she had trouble ordering breakfast. Upon ordering, she requested that the butter be served on the side, rather than already spread on her toast. The waitress insisted that the toast came with butter on it. So our Texan repeated several times that she really wanted her butter on the side. The waitress again insisted that the toast come with the melted butter. When breakfast was served, butter was already spread on the toast as the waitress had predicted. (Perhaps in Japan, butter does not always come in individual serving sizes.) Recently, I talked to a Pakistani teenager who migrated to the U.S. about seven years ago. He said that he was really frustrated with his academic advisor. He related that he told his college advisor he wanted to study medicine because that was his parents' desire. The advisor kept telling him to forget about his parents. "This is your life. Do what you want to do." This may be sound advice for people who have been raised in the virtues of doing your own thing all of their lives. However, this teenager grew up in a different environment where one's immediate family is considered part of oneself. The perception of self extends beyond the individual. It encompasses one's immediate family at the very least. Recently, I was asked to speak to international recruiters. A large corporation was interested in recruiting international students for its foreign affiliates in Asian countries. My advice to these recruiters was to refrain from asking the standard interview question, "Why did you choose this field?" The students may not have had a role in choosing their career fields. Such choices may have been made by family members, and the students know that Americans have a hard time with that concept. In traditional cultures, parents have a vested interest in what their children study and what kind of career they choose. In their old age, most of the parents rely on their children for their livelihood, so this plays a role in making sure that their children study those professions which pay well. My brother, who lives in Saudi Arabia, and I still support our parents and unmarried sisters in Pakistan. This is simply understood there; it is our conditioning that good sons always support their families. We did not grow up with the virtues of self-reliance. Such sentiment as ours is not limited to Pakistan; it is wide-spread in many parts of the world. I understand that traditional Chinese parents also take pride in being dependent upon their children. It means they were successful parents. What really surprises the majority of Americans are parent-arranged marriages. The concept of arranged marriage really shows the opposite end of the individualism-collectivism continuum. Next month, my American nuclear family will be going to Pakistan to attend my sister's wedding. The groom has been in the U.S. for seven years. My sister has never been to the States and has not seen her fiancé since she was a small child. This is an arranged marriage. Somehow the teachings of individualism were not strong enough to condition her husband over the past seven years. He is relying on his parents to make the biggest choice of his life. Talk about blind faith! In order to understand other cultures, we need to recognize the impact of forces related to family or collective orientation. If we stay in a frame of mind where we believe that every human being will prefer individualism if given the chance, we may be kidding ourselves. No matter how absurd it may sound, there are other, also valid ways to perceive our relationship to the people in the world around us. Contact:
Syed & Joyce Zafar, Cultural
Diversity Group (http://www.compassnet.com/szafar) |
